Bellow are three essays I’ve addressed to my future self about how I’ve changed since attending college. They’re all dominated by one theme: fixing things.

Dear future self: December 13, 2008
I still remember what it felt like to think I could conquer the world: the adrenalin that ran through my veins as I passionately demanded retribution from governments around world; the silent pleasure experienced as I witnessed people react to my liberal nonsensical jargon; the purpose and optimism that networks inspired; the moral superiority that consumed me. Do you still remember those feelings? I also remember how I eventually resented everyone around me- I didn’t understand why they weren’t interested in decorating “Holiday Cards” for prisoners of conscience, why they laughed at me, or why they kept calling my foolish.

It wasn’t until I came to UT that I experienced the constraints of my activist cocoon. I had allowed my emotions to influence the way I saw the world, and I had become soft. I had never challenged the information sent to me. I believed everything my high school text books said, including the stories about George Washington’s apple orchards. It never occurred to me to question why there was only a small bar in my History book that mentioned African American’s involvement in the Civil War, or whether the material Amnesty International sent me on labor camps in Mexico was full of one-sided propaganda. Do you still have that binder of pamphlets? Do you ever get nostalgic about how easy it was to be so naive? Remember when I first encountered professors and people who presented me with opinions and facts that clashed with my fundamental beliefs? They demanded that I had a thorough understanding of the topic I wanted to discuss, and they incessantly played devil’s advocate. I was angry at first, then ashamed, remember?

That introduction into a wealth of understanding I had never known existed has inspired me to change the way I look at the world. I have come to understand that issues are not divided by good and bad. Conflict is sometimes a result of corruption, but, for the most part, it is strongly influenced by inherent differences in people’s cultures. Moreover, I learned to appreciate these differences- they are as understandable as the variation among people’s preference for breakfast food. I may not agree with the way certain affairs are conducted, but I can see why governments or organizations chose to take the actions they do. Do I still believe in muticulturism, or have I finally accepted the neoconservative view of culture? Did I ever get around to reading Marc Steyn’s books?

Not only did this transition completely revolutionize the way I approached my education and global awareness, but it also devastated the security I’ve known in high school. I find myself appalled by war, but now I can selfishly justify it. I understand how America’s investment in other countries- the investment that pays for a lot of the things I consume- will stand in the way of a country achieving self-determination. I understand what politically and psychologically motives the conflict in Sudan, and, more importantly, I understand that I will never be able to do anything about it. I will never be able to end starvation around the world, fix poverty, or cure disease in Africa- no matter how many letters I write, flyers I pass out, or research I do. Do you remember how lonely it was realizing this?

My goal has always been too broad: world peace. It’s not possible, and, while it has taken me a long time to accept this and the fear it inspires, when I finally did I found a peace that I had never experienced in high school. However, along with that peace comes a frustration and loneliness. I can’t fix the world, but I can do more good understanding this then naively leading crusades that the rest of the world doesn’t take seriously.

Dear Future Self, Arbitrary Date?
I’m emotionally numb. Has that changed?
All of my decisions are driven by logic now. I still feel an emotional reaction to the things I hear and experience, but I always stifle it before it becomes something too messy to deal with. Sometimes I feel this detachment makes me coarse-does mom still call my callous?- but I’m trying to be positive. There are certain obvious benefits that come from being emotionally detached.

Do you remember reading Siddhartha in Bump’s class? Do you remember the discussion on detached compassion and love? I never realized this, but, for the past few months, I’ve been practicing it. I think it started after I was hired on to Red Lobster. Everyone kept shoving their advice down my throat- “you can’t be a full time student and a full time waitress, it’s too hard”, “you’ll crash and burn”, “your grades will suffer, you shouldn’t work so much”, “you can’t afford UT, just get your Associates at a community college; it’s more realistic”. I know what they say is true, but I am offended that they feel it is their place to judge my choice. I never asked for their advice, but they gave it to me anyway. Moreover, they aren’t even aware of the entire story. They made assumptions about my motivation for getting a job, and that makes me even angrier than being told something I already know.

Being forced into the situation I had put countless others in- telling them I knew what was best for them, carelessly throwing my supposed moral, intellectual, or spiritual superiority in their face – has changed the way I approached conflicts among my friends and family. I may disagree with their decision- I may fear for their safety or stability, but I cannot suppress them with it; I can’t fix their flaws and mistakes. I just have to accept them.

if they ask for my opinion I’ll give it to them, but only if asked. This is because I believe that, even if they don’t realize what they are doing isn’t in their best interest, they’re the only ones who can realize that for themselves. I will always love them because they’re my friends or members of my family, but that doesn’t mean I can intrude upon their lives. Besides, my moral foundation isn’t necessarily the right one.

Dear future self,
It has recently occurred to me that I cannot fix the world. I cannot fix my friends and family members. But- you know what I can fix? Me.

In Houston, it was easy to get caught up in others’ actions- whether they were friends involved in insipid drama, family members who were hurting, or politicians who were making scandalous remarks. I don’t know how long I lived my life monopolized by others, but it reached the point where I hardly knew anything about myself. However, when I moved to Austin I left many of the people whose life I had made my own. I was alone with no one to distract me from getting to know who I really am.

Being forced to evaluate who I am inspired a lot of questions within me. Was college a good fit for me? Could I afford it? Could I handle it? Was it worth everything that I had to give up? What did worth mean to me? Why was I doing the things I did? Why did I lie? Judge? Why was I disappointed in myself and others? What were my expectations?

These kinds of questions plagued everything I did, and I began to doubt myself. I couldn’t sit down in a coffee shop to study without feeling pretentious, even though I was really there because of the cheap refills; I couldn’t feign interest in people or things without feeling fake, even though I knew that that was a part of simply being social; I couldn’t participate in discussions without feeling like a pseudo-intellectual, even though I knew I was only having these discussions because I like to debate. These feelings forced me to look within myself and explore why I felt the way I did, and, when I confronted the true motivation behind some of these feelings, I wanted to change them. For example, after reflecting on my feelings about a political conversation I had had in the West MallI I realized that for the past six months I was forcing my experience in college to determine my self-worth. Who I was and what I was capable of was determined by how often I could use what I’d learned in my classes, and that wasn’t an appropriate use of my education.

Realizing this was the first step, and changing it was the second. When I realized how disappointed I was in myself for abusing my college experience- when I understood what I wanted from my experience here at UT- I was able to morph all of these negative feelings into something positive. It’s a hard trap to avoid, but I think I’ve done well so far. Am I still doing well? How do you determine your self-worth now?