"Tough love" tends to have negative connotations because people don't understand it or they use it incorrectly. A personal example of "tough love": my mom stopped giving me money at 16. She wanted me to learn the value of a dollar, and gain my financial independence before it really mattered. Some would argue that this is unnecessarily harsh, but my mom didn't do it because she wanted to be mean and punish me. She did it because it is a lesson everyone needs to learn, and she loves me enough to ensure that I learn it. The principle of both phrases concerns the actions of at least two individuals- one must “let go” and allow the other to… develop. Develop could mean a variety of things: mature into an adult, learn right from wrong, comprehend a truth, develop a truth, pass away, and much more.
The most applicable example of “detached love” would be that of Siddhartha and his son. Siddhartha does not understand that his son’s “…pain will not be slight; after all, his heart is hard and proud, and people like this have to suffer quite a bit, make many mistakes, do a great deal of injustice, and burden themselves with a lot of sin” (111), because he is too afraid that his son will”…become enthusiastic, lose himself to pleasure and power, [and] repeat all of his father’s mistakes” (112). As much as it may hurt Siddhartha to watch his son travel down a dark path, he must acknowledge his son’s independence regardless of what that entails.
No one wants to see their child wrapped up in greed, like the women in these phots.I feel that a lot of people in relationships make this mistake: they try to mold their child, friend, or partner into the people they wish they were. I’m not talking about developing a fundamental moral backbone like one may do with a child- I’m talking about imposing ideals and standards. Only when we recognize that someone will only change if they want to are we serving the role that most benefits them. Vasudeva says it best when he asks Siddhartha “don’t you shackle him with your love? Don’t you, everyday make him feel inferior, and make it harder on him with your kindness and patients?”
This acceptance is not a cessation of our love, rather it’s the detachment of it. To love someone is to do what’s best for them, and, in the case of their “development”, it is granting them the space they need. “…Even if you would die ten times for [someone], you would not even be able to take the slightest part of [their] destiny upon yourself” (113).
People will not change unless they want to. This is most obvious when you consider hard drug abusers. As many times as you tell them that what they're doing could kill them, they will not stop unless they want to. When they want to stop is when you can help them, and, in the case of this example, send them to a rehab like the picture above.If we allow ourselves to detach from the love we feel for an individual, we can relate to where they’re coming from. For example, we must remember that we’ve been in similar situations: “Hadn’t [Siddhartha’s] father suffered the same pain on his account that he is now suffering because of his son?” (122)
“Detached love” doesn’t allow for the emotional mess that love does. When one cannot think objectively they stunt their growth and the person they love growth. I’m not suggesting that we all go our lives and practice detached love or compassion, for that would prevent us from doing a lot of good. They key is to know how to differentiate between the two, to contextualize them, and to grow the balls to act on them. Yes- “the flame [will] not go out on its own” (122), but, as Siddhartha learned, you reach a point in your development where you will “… be inclined to despair” but also “… no less inclined to laugh at yourself and the rest of the world” (123).
If you don't give yourself room for emotional detachment then you will be consumed by how someone else is making you feel, instead of how you're making them feel.
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